Savvy Strategies Relational Life Therapy
Nikki Loscalzo, Ed. M., RLT, & DARTT Certified Therapeutic Coach
Offering Terry Real's Relational Life Therapy, Relationship Skills Bootcamps, &
Developmental and Relational Trauma-Informed Individual & Couples Work
via convenient online sessions for clients in all locations
Free Relationship Tools
Handy Infographics Based on the Work of Terry Real.
Click on an image, or scroll down the page to learn more about these impactful relationship tools and to download your free PDF of each.
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THE SEVEN PRIMARY FEELINGS
From Relational Life Therapy Founder Terry Real's bestseller:
"The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work" adapted from the work of Pia Mellody
If you believe that you don't have many emotions, you may be surprised to learn that you have plenty of feelings, but somewhere along the way, you learned to stop paying attention to them.
To get back in touch with your emotions, take some time each day to focus on what you are feeling. Three to six times each day stop and take a minute to ask yourself:
"What am I feeling right now?"
THE FIVE LOSING STRATEGIES
for getting what you want in your relationship.
From Relational Life Therapy Founder Terry Real's bestseller:
"The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work".
When we are thrust into what Terry Real calls “the raw experience of our unmet needs,” we too often find ourselves acting in ways that are comfortable, familiar, and, profoundly counterproductive. We want to close the gap and heal the crunch; we want to be close to our partner, we want them to understand what we are feeling, to see things from our point of view, and to validate our experience.
This wish for a shared perspective and reconnection is entirely understandable, healthy, and universal. The problem is that what we end up actually doing in our attempt to try to get our partners to understand only ends up driving them further away and getting us even less of what we really want. That’s why Terry calls these behaviors “The Five Losing Strategies” for dealing with conflict with your partner. To learn more about the Losing Strategies, check out my six-part blog series. Starting with “I Don’t Want Someone Else. I Want You - Just Better”
THE FIVE WINNING STRATEGIES
for getting what you want in your relationship.
From Relational Life Therapy Founder Terry Real's bestseller:
"The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work".
The Five Losing Strategies for getting what you want in your relationship arise from our default responses to conflict, stress, or disconnection from our partners. But we don’t need to rely on our default responses, our emotional reactions, or the patterns we learned growing up. Instead, we can take a breath, stay centered, and have a more connected, more grounded, and more relationally focused response.
These deliberate alternatives to the default responses are what Terry Real calls The Five Winning Strategies for getting what you want in your relationship. Unlike The Five Losing Strategies, which will never help us to close the gap and heal “the crunch” with our partners, these savvy alternatives will help us to get closer to our partners, understand each other’s feelings, see things from each others’ point of view, and validate each other’s experience. In short, these strategies will help us move into connected, cherishing, and authentic intimacy.
HOW TO SHARE FEEDBACK
to repair and reconnect in your relationship.
From Relational Life Therapy Founder Terry Real's bestseller:
"The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work" adapted from the work of Janet Hurley.
All relationships continually move through a cycle of harmony, disharmony, and repair. Many of us feel the problem lies in the disharmony. We mistakenly believe that if we had the "right" partner or if our partner were a "better" version of themself, or like they "used to be" these ruptures wouldn't occur.
But these times of disconnection, hurt, misunderstanding, anger, and disappointment are natural and inevitable. The actual problem arises when a relationship fails to move from these unavoidable times of rupture into repair. Most of us don't know how to effectively repair our relationships. So, we default to our "Losing Strategies" When these "Losing Strategies" fail to move us into a state of repair, the relationship suffers, and over time our it becomes less intimate, less cherishing, and not much fun.
But there is a constructive alternative. By following this clearly defined process for sharing feedback with your partner, you can let them know clearly and specifically what they did that you are upset about, and how you believe they can help you both move into repair, reconnection, and true intimacy.
HOW TO TAKE A TIME OUT
when a conflict with your partner gets too heated.
From Relational Life Therapy Founder Terry Real's bestseller:
"The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work."
No relationship between two people is ever completely painless and conflict-free. The key to relational health and intimacy is to ensure that conflicts are handled constructively.
If you find yourself in a conflict with your partner and you begin to feel that you may cross a line in terms of hurting your partner, damaging your relationship, or, if you simply recognize that the interaction has degenerated and become counterproductive for your relationship, a "time out" is an excellent tool to give each of you space while keeping you connected.
The key to making time-outs work in your relationship is for you and your partner to have a solid understanding of both the purpose and the process of times-outs. Make sure that you discuss the reasons and methods for taking a time-out before a conflict arises. Then, be sure to follow the process exactly.
It Really Can Be Better
The relationship you wish for is possible, but sometimes skills and tools aren’t enough to get you there. Most of us have times in our lives when we need help to rebuild the passion and connection in our relationships.
If this is where you are - reach out. I can help.
Contact me today for a twenty-minute free phone consultation or to set up an initial ninety-minute session.